The Republican Fiction Project

Al Gore should return his Ignobel Prize. RFP staff have performed a meta analysis of beloved climatologist Punxsutawney Phil’s annual extended winter/early spring trends and proven that global warming is a total farce. After a couple decades of warming, the Earth’s temperature is clearly returning to normal.

Frequency of early spring data was calculated by dividing the incidence of early spring per decade. Each year on February 2nd, Phil (a groundhog) famously makes his way to the podium in the small town of Punxsutawney, PA (pronounced punk-sit-tonm-E) and whispers whether winter will last an additional 6 weeks.

Thank Bush
While a novice climatologist would have rushed to judgment over a few shorter winters, according to Phil (seen right with bloated man), there has been a clear increase in longer winters over the past seven years. While it is tempting to speculate, it would be imprecise to completely credit President Bush with reversing the trend. It could very well be the decrease in evil in the world as a result of the US war on terrorism combined with the fact that over the past century there have only been 13 years where there was a shortened winter.

New Years represents an opportunity for all Republicans to set strong resolutions that will make them better conservatives and, at the end of the year, better Republicans. It’s also a great day to watch football. We encourage all Republicans and those secular liberals looking for salvation to adopt these New Years resolutions and to share their own resolutions with us. Happy New Year!

1. Find the best tax shelter your income bracket can afford.
2. Buy American or as close as you can get.
3. When discussing evil; be clear that you are referring to liberals or the French.
4. Report all suspicious activity to the FBI.
5. Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive, and Dodge.
6. Make more “me” time.
7. Spread the good word about Republican Values™.
8. Support the Troops.
9. Fight the wars on terror, Christmas, family values, drugs, cancer, prayer in schools, teen pregnancy, etc.
10. Visit republicanfiction.com every day.

Whooo, that was a close one, but we managed to win another victory in the war on Christmas. The godless secularists who are trying so hard to make sure your kids can’t celebrate Christmas are on the ropes. The White House is right on the front lines in the war, but instead of diverting the troops who are fighting in the global war on terror (How they consider the two to be different is beyond me). This year, Republicans are choosing the battleground, the nation’s National Parks. Check out the new Barney cam video where W uses the family dog to point out how we can use the national parks to push Christmas out to the people. At least that is what I think they were doing, I didn’t watch the whole thing.

Every GOPer should take the time to read this inspiring Christmas story written by our fellow tribesman, Ted Nugent. In it, he describes the truly Republican ritual of waiting in a tree for a majestic white-tail deer to come by and killing it. While it is hardly as manly as Mike Huckabee’s “run-in” with a bear, it comes pretty close. Unlike Ted and my other awesome Michigan friends, I live in the city where the local liberals have made it next to impossible to enjoy the ritual of hunting down a diabolical beast.

As my eyes drew down the page, my breathing became smooth and calm and I felt like I was out there in the Michigan woods huddled up in a tree with Ted, killing stuff and eating it.

From the story:

“He was a great stag and was coming my way. I pushed and pulled on my frozen muscles to draw my bow as does and young deer crunched the icy snow below me, luring the old monarch into range.

“In an instant, the razor-sharp broadhead had sliced clean through the old boy’s vitals and it was all over except for the jubilation.

“We keep Christ in Christmas regardless of trends or the PC denial curse. We celebrate the gift of life. We celebrate American freedom, and we celebrate the birthday of Jesus Christ.”

Ted’s most excellent adventure reminded me of another Christmas Story, the 1983 movie that runs at least once on every television channel during the Christmas season. For years I thought that movie was a liberal assault on gun ownership. But after reading Ted’s story I realized that the entire movie is really a celebration of Republican Values™. I am going to watch and review A Christmas Story in a few days and thanks to Ted Nugent (and Jesus), an awesome killing machine and Republican, I am going to enjoy it.

Part II of our series is all action, action figures with Republican Values™ that is.

1. They’ll have hours of fun playing with their Gipper.
   First things first; this is not a Ronald Reagan doll! It’s an action figure and therefore appropriate for both boys and girls. Did someone get your little girl a Ken doll? Not a problem anymore. Ronny can kick Ken’s ass! Not only that, Mr. Reagan says 11 different phrases including: “I will not make age an issue of this campaign…” “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall…” “…tax increasers, go ahead. Make my day…” “Federal grants are like rabbits…” and “Nancy? can I have a drink of water…” I can’t remember a time in this country when we needed him more (except 1992-2000).
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2. Mission Accomplished! George W Bush action figure.
   Your child might be confused when they first set eyes on this specimen of manhood, but when they learn that our President is also an Elite Aviator, everything will make sense. This handsome action figure embodies the rugged heterosexuality of a man out to sea free of self-doubt. At a full 12 inches, it is the kind of manhood replica that you want your kids playing with. And not to worry, W is too busy flying planes to talk, leaving all the lingo work to President Reagan. (plane and aircraft carrier not included)
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3. More than a woman to me! Ann Coulter action figure.
   Roll models are important on both sides of the kitchen table and it’s important to give little girls one to look up to. Ann Coulter is hot, smart, articulate, and is conservative from the top of her blond head to the tips of her black high heal pumps with the strappy thing on the back that we all love. This lean conservative machine does what Ann does best, say things that get liberals upset,. This doll says 14 different priceless Coulter gems, like “Liberals can’t just come out and say that they want to take more of our money, kill babies and discriminate on the basis of race.” Even though this is technically an action figure, not a doll, it would be a little gay for boys to be playing with it (before puberty. After puberty he should technically not be playing with any action figures, but this one could be overlooked, like the missing Victoria’s Secret catalog)
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4. “Drop and give me 20 maggot!” GI Joe Drill Sargent
   Left, right,…a left, right, left. Did you ever notice that they always end that stepping on the left? These are the kinds of discoveries your child will make on their own while he’s learning the fine art of training other people to go off to war. While we don’t want to encourage anyone raised with Republican Values™ to go into the military as anything but an officer–perhaps some weekend guard duty to do their part for the country–we do want them to learn that training grunts to charge ahead is noble work. This guy is 12 inches of Sergent Hulka GI Joe Kung Foo gripping tear your eyes out manhood.
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5. NASCAR’s Big #3 Dale Earnhardt Sr.
   Legend, Icon, republican, Dale Earnhardt Sr. embodied everything that is good in this country. Most of you probably have a wall or room already dedicated to Dale and his glorious career, but your kids need more than a shrine to know what it is to be a NASCAR driver, they need action figures, toy cars, life-sized cardboard cutouts, lunch boxes, hats, t-shirts and eventually a tattoo.

It’s getting harder and harder to find appropriate gifts for children being raised with Republican Values™. It’s bad enough that our children are being exposed to Touch Me Inappropriately Elmo and the ever-questionable sexuality of the Ken doll, now the Chinese are putting lead in our toys. We need to put the Christ back in X-mas and pump some guts into the holidays. So, with only 6 days left to do your shopping, we will be bringing you gift suggestions for Republican Kids. All of these items are available on Amazon.

1. Stars and Stripes Gear:
   What boy wouldn’t light up like the plastic tree they’re sitting under when they open a box of patriotic gear. Start the boy off with a lapel pin. Sure he has one, but like the real deal lapel pins wear out. They send a strong Republican message; they say “I’m an American and you’re not. (and they don’t burn!) But you don’t want to send the wrong message either. Lapel pins are small and could tell and impressionable child that he should be ashamed of his patriotism. That kind of self-doubt is a one way street to liberalism, so tell him to show his colors with these patriotic pants. You wouldn’t want to take a roundhouse kick to the head while he’s wearing these bad boys. But you wouldn’t want your little angel to go without. Patriotic gift giving can send a strong message that it’s ok to be a happy homemaker. Try finding one of these in one of your liberal mall stores. All they’re trying to do is teach your little girl that she should enter the workforce, live in sin and dress like a whore. Not in my house, and not in yours either.
2. Nothing says Christmas like defending the second amendment.
   What do you want your child to learn, that guns kill people or that liberals kill people? This handsome realistic weapon will tell little Johnny “Get your gun” and defend your right to bear arms. Unfortunately, Michael Moore and his wimpy liberal friends want your kid to learn that killing isn’t fun. “Uhhh, what planet are you living on, fat boy?” Sharps Carbine 1859 Rifle is a history lesson wrapped in a toy, wrapped in a bucket of awesome. It only gets 4 stars since it doesn’t shoot real lead. For that he’ll have to wait until he’s 6.
3. The classic Easy Bake oven.
   Mmmmm MMMM! Something sure smells good. Educational toys, like the Easy Bake Oven have been the backbone of our nation for centuries. Give the little woman direction and encouragement by letting her know that cooking for her family will be one of the most rewarding experiences of her lifetime (next to having kids of her own). Who needs Dora the half-breed explorer sending your little girl a sick message that traipsing off on your own and leaving your responsibilities back home is a positive thing. Why not let her join the Peace Corps and smoke crack too?
4. Insert a little Bill O’Reilly in their lives.
   Don’t be shocked. I never had books either, but Fox News Super Hero, Bill O’Reilly is the kind of roll model we want our kids to grow up to be. My kids couldn’t put this book down. I made them read it and that was all there was to it. Unfortunately, life isn’t all guns and flags. Our kids need to be taught Republican Values™ from the best. Full of great advice, like stay off the drugs and eat your vitamins so you can grow up strong like the Hulkster, this book is second in my house to only one other much gooder book, wink wink.
5. One word: Monster Trucks
   I’m going to need two parking spaces for this mean machine. Your kid will never have to worry about overtaking that hybrid when he’s behind the wheel of a monster truck with Republican Values™. Screaming down the highway singing “You down with the GOP? Yeah you know me.” Throw the golf clubs in the back and take it out for a spin. See the look of fear in the face of that liberal in the foreign car as he sees you coming up from behind in the rear view. Objects are closer than they seem.

More Gifts to come…get shopping and support our troops.

Now that we have settled in a bit, I thought it appropriate to introduce you to the Republican Fiction team, we have posted our bios on our Meet the Editors page.

The first thing you are going to notice is that we don’t use our real names. We are no novice group when it comes to navigating the complex systems of tubes or “web” that is the internet, so we are well aware of the sick predators that are out there waiting to break into our homes and have sex with us. While each of us has an ample supply of ammo, several of us had to leave our guns in storage. Why? you ask.

Well, I am glad you asked. It’s because the hippies running the city of Washington DC have trampled on our rights and banned gun ownership in the city. No, I am not kidding. The citizens of Washington DC have been left to defend themselves against murderers and rapists with rocks and sticks. Earth to hippies, the Constitution lives right in your town at the National Archives. Stop by and give it a read sometime. The Supreme Court is going to hear this nonsense out soon and give us the right to put a bullet in the head of anyone who steps foot in our castles. In the mean time, we will keep our pen names.

Any-who, we have posted our bios on our Meet the Editors page so you can feel more comfortable letting our words into your home on your personal branch of the information super highway. We will be posting our pictures tomorrow.

We have not even gotten our business cards in (I ordered the raised lettering) and we already have our first scoop. These images were sent fresh from the New Hampshire campaign trail by our Editor at Large, Mr. Cool Ice.

On route to a campaign stop, Republican Presidential nominee Mike Huckabee hit a bear with his car in what appears to be a deliberate attempt to simultaneously take out the menacing bear, display Republican Values^TM, and secure dinner. According to witnesses, Huckabee expertly navigated his Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme to clip the bear in the head and kill it without causing a single scratch to the car. “The car swerved real quick and caught that sucker and dropped him like a bad habit,” said New Hampshire resident Jeff Blankenship who witnessed the carnage.

Campaign workers were soon after seen dragging the bear to the car where Huckabee gutted the animal in minutes and tied it to the trunk. Huckabee, a long time proponent of bearicide pledged later in the day to “make animal control a major campaign issue,” continuing “Americans are tired of hearing about trouble in the Iraq, such as, and the South Africa such as, if we get rid of bears people won’t have to worry about one less thing. And I’m all for that.”

Later that evening Huckabee invited his campaign volunteers in Littleton, New Hampshire to a cook out on the village green with Chuck Norris, a major supporter of Huckabee and killing things.

Ding Dong! “What’s this I hear ? Did Tick Tock forget his keys to the office again whilst using the bathroom?” But nay, it was a negro man dressed in a brown prison-like uniform. (perhaps a prison of his shallow “do poor in school and not listen to his drug addict mother” up-bringing.) He had a brown paper-wrapped package hidden beneath his rather large arms. “You Reepublikin Ficty-on?” All five of us surrounding the door of our freshly painted offices to see what the negro had brought. I took the box in the least offensive way I could and made light chatter about beans and fried chicken legs while the rest of the gang opened the box. He left, but not before asking to use the bathroom. We sent him to the one down the hall that we knew you needed a key to get into, figuring that we would pretend not to be there if he knocked again. (He didn’t.)

Glory be thy name, the box was opened and before us were the contents of an online purchase from Staples. 5 staplers (what would you buy at a store named after a single product?), staple removers (one for each of the devices), Post-It notes, pens, an eraser for our dry erase board, (see below) and a package of dry erase pens (all red and blue, the board is white.)

After unloading our delights and calling security to make sure the black delivery man had found his way to the front door, we opened the American flag that had arrived earlier in the day–delivered by an Italian gentleman who smelled like garlic and onions. Our flag-raising ceremony was choreographed and we were ready to march past our portrait gallery, (Reagan, Lincoln, and Bush, so far) and deliver Old Glory to its final resting place on our balcony overlooking K St in Washington DC. That was when Jeremy (our slow assistant) unfolded the flag and let the lower right corner touch the ground!

Not to worry, we fired him on the spot. In fact, three of us fired him at the same time. It was pretty funny because the lower right corner of the American flag represents liberal states like Vermont. But it is the American flag, so he had to go. We couldn’t risk him burning it or doing some other unspeakable evil to the stars and stripes.

We also hung up a sweet dry erase board and went to lunch at the Old Ebbitt Grill. I could feel the conservative electricity flowing from George W. Bush, our President, who was no doubt enjoying an equally delicious lunch just a block away. His essence permeated the room. (I had the crab balls.) Let me tell you, more than a couple people stopped to look over the two American flags proudly resting upon my lapel. “That’s right ladies, there’s a new sheriff in town and it’s called Republican Fiction.”

Hollywood “out!”

We are still configuring our site and moving into our new Washington DC offices. Just yesterday we bought an entire box of paper and started putting together our new desks and bookshelves. There is something very satisfying about manual labor. For the life of me I can’t understand why people complain about it. Tomorrow morning we anticipate the delivery of our American flag and will have an elaborate installation ceremony. Unlike Barack Osama, we aren’t afraid of our flag. I personally wear two of them on my lapel.