The Republican Fiction Project

It’s getting harder and harder to find appropriate gifts for children being raised with Republican Values™. It’s bad enough that our children are being exposed to Touch Me Inappropriately Elmo and the ever-questionable sexuality of the Ken doll, now the Chinese are putting lead in our toys. We need to put the Christ back in X-mas and pump some guts into the holidays. So, with only 6 days left to do your shopping, we will be bringing you gift suggestions for Republican Kids. All of these items are available on Amazon.

1. Stars and Stripes Gear:
   What boy wouldn’t light up like the plastic tree they’re sitting under when they open a box of patriotic gear. Start the boy off with a lapel pin. Sure he has one, but like the real deal lapel pins wear out. They send a strong Republican message; they say “I’m an American and you’re not. (and they don’t burn!) But you don’t want to send the wrong message either. Lapel pins are small and could tell and impressionable child that he should be ashamed of his patriotism. That kind of self-doubt is a one way street to liberalism, so tell him to show his colors with these patriotic pants. You wouldn’t want to take a roundhouse kick to the head while he’s wearing these bad boys. But you wouldn’t want your little angel to go without. Patriotic gift giving can send a strong message that it’s ok to be a happy homemaker. Try finding one of these in one of your liberal mall stores. All they’re trying to do is teach your little girl that she should enter the workforce, live in sin and dress like a whore. Not in my house, and not in yours either.
2. Nothing says Christmas like defending the second amendment.
   What do you want your child to learn, that guns kill people or that liberals kill people? This handsome realistic weapon will tell little Johnny “Get your gun” and defend your right to bear arms. Unfortunately, Michael Moore and his wimpy liberal friends want your kid to learn that killing isn’t fun. “Uhhh, what planet are you living on, fat boy?” Sharps Carbine 1859 Rifle is a history lesson wrapped in a toy, wrapped in a bucket of awesome. It only gets 4 stars since it doesn’t shoot real lead. For that he’ll have to wait until he’s 6.
3. The classic Easy Bake oven.
   Mmmmm MMMM! Something sure smells good. Educational toys, like the Easy Bake Oven have been the backbone of our nation for centuries. Give the little woman direction and encouragement by letting her know that cooking for her family will be one of the most rewarding experiences of her lifetime (next to having kids of her own). Who needs Dora the half-breed explorer sending your little girl a sick message that traipsing off on your own and leaving your responsibilities back home is a positive thing. Why not let her join the Peace Corps and smoke crack too?
4. Insert a little Bill O’Reilly in their lives.
   Don’t be shocked. I never had books either, but Fox News Super Hero, Bill O’Reilly is the kind of roll model we want our kids to grow up to be. My kids couldn’t put this book down. I made them read it and that was all there was to it. Unfortunately, life isn’t all guns and flags. Our kids need to be taught Republican Values™ from the best. Full of great advice, like stay off the drugs and eat your vitamins so you can grow up strong like the Hulkster, this book is second in my house to only one other much gooder book, wink wink.
5. One word: Monster Trucks
   I’m going to need two parking spaces for this mean machine. Your kid will never have to worry about overtaking that hybrid when he’s behind the wheel of a monster truck with Republican Values™. Screaming down the highway singing “You down with the GOP? Yeah you know me.” Throw the golf clubs in the back and take it out for a spin. See the look of fear in the face of that liberal in the foreign car as he sees you coming up from behind in the rear view. Objects are closer than they seem.

More Gifts to come…get shopping and support our troops.