The Republican Fiction Project

Al Gore should return his Ignobel Prize. RFP staff have performed a meta analysis of beloved climatologist Punxsutawney Phil’s annual extended winter/early spring trends and proven that global warming is a total farce. After a couple decades of warming, the Earth’s temperature is clearly returning to normal.

Frequency of early spring data was calculated by dividing the incidence of early spring per decade. Each year on February 2nd, Phil (a groundhog) famously makes his way to the podium in the small town of Punxsutawney, PA (pronounced punk-sit-tonm-E) and whispers whether winter will last an additional 6 weeks.

Thank Bush
While a novice climatologist would have rushed to judgment over a few shorter winters, according to Phil (seen right with bloated man), there has been a clear increase in longer winters over the past seven years. While it is tempting to speculate, it would be imprecise to completely credit President Bush with reversing the trend. It could very well be the decrease in evil in the world as a result of the US war on terrorism combined with the fact that over the past century there have only been 13 years where there was a shortened winter.

Every GOPer should take the time to read this inspiring Christmas story written by our fellow tribesman, Ted Nugent. In it, he describes the truly Republican ritual of waiting in a tree for a majestic white-tail deer to come by and killing it. While it is hardly as manly as Mike Huckabee’s “run-in” with a bear, it comes pretty close. Unlike Ted and my other awesome Michigan friends, I live in the city where the local liberals have made it next to impossible to enjoy the ritual of hunting down a diabolical beast.

As my eyes drew down the page, my breathing became smooth and calm and I felt like I was out there in the Michigan woods huddled up in a tree with Ted, killing stuff and eating it.

From the story:

“He was a great stag and was coming my way. I pushed and pulled on my frozen muscles to draw my bow as does and young deer crunched the icy snow below me, luring the old monarch into range.

“In an instant, the razor-sharp broadhead had sliced clean through the old boy’s vitals and it was all over except for the jubilation.

“We keep Christ in Christmas regardless of trends or the PC denial curse. We celebrate the gift of life. We celebrate American freedom, and we celebrate the birthday of Jesus Christ.”

Ted’s most excellent adventure reminded me of another Christmas Story, the 1983 movie that runs at least once on every television channel during the Christmas season. For years I thought that movie was a liberal assault on gun ownership. But after reading Ted’s story I realized that the entire movie is really a celebration of Republican Values™. I am going to watch and review A Christmas Story in a few days and thanks to Ted Nugent (and Jesus), an awesome killing machine and Republican, I am going to enjoy it.

It’s getting harder and harder to find appropriate gifts for children being raised with Republican Values™. It’s bad enough that our children are being exposed to Touch Me Inappropriately Elmo and the ever-questionable sexuality of the Ken doll, now the Chinese are putting lead in our toys. We need to put the Christ back in X-mas and pump some guts into the holidays. So, with only 6 days left to do your shopping, we will be bringing you gift suggestions for Republican Kids. All of these items are available on Amazon.

1. Stars and Stripes Gear:
   What boy wouldn’t light up like the plastic tree they’re sitting under when they open a box of patriotic gear. Start the boy off with a lapel pin. Sure he has one, but like the real deal lapel pins wear out. They send a strong Republican message; they say “I’m an American and you’re not. (and they don’t burn!) But you don’t want to send the wrong message either. Lapel pins are small and could tell and impressionable child that he should be ashamed of his patriotism. That kind of self-doubt is a one way street to liberalism, so tell him to show his colors with these patriotic pants. You wouldn’t want to take a roundhouse kick to the head while he’s wearing these bad boys. But you wouldn’t want your little angel to go without. Patriotic gift giving can send a strong message that it’s ok to be a happy homemaker. Try finding one of these in one of your liberal mall stores. All they’re trying to do is teach your little girl that she should enter the workforce, live in sin and dress like a whore. Not in my house, and not in yours either.
2. Nothing says Christmas like defending the second amendment.
   What do you want your child to learn, that guns kill people or that liberals kill people? This handsome realistic weapon will tell little Johnny “Get your gun” and defend your right to bear arms. Unfortunately, Michael Moore and his wimpy liberal friends want your kid to learn that killing isn’t fun. “Uhhh, what planet are you living on, fat boy?” Sharps Carbine 1859 Rifle is a history lesson wrapped in a toy, wrapped in a bucket of awesome. It only gets 4 stars since it doesn’t shoot real lead. For that he’ll have to wait until he’s 6.
3. The classic Easy Bake oven.
   Mmmmm MMMM! Something sure smells good. Educational toys, like the Easy Bake Oven have been the backbone of our nation for centuries. Give the little woman direction and encouragement by letting her know that cooking for her family will be one of the most rewarding experiences of her lifetime (next to having kids of her own). Who needs Dora the half-breed explorer sending your little girl a sick message that traipsing off on your own and leaving your responsibilities back home is a positive thing. Why not let her join the Peace Corps and smoke crack too?
4. Insert a little Bill O’Reilly in their lives.
   Don’t be shocked. I never had books either, but Fox News Super Hero, Bill O’Reilly is the kind of roll model we want our kids to grow up to be. My kids couldn’t put this book down. I made them read it and that was all there was to it. Unfortunately, life isn’t all guns and flags. Our kids need to be taught Republican Values™ from the best. Full of great advice, like stay off the drugs and eat your vitamins so you can grow up strong like the Hulkster, this book is second in my house to only one other much gooder book, wink wink.
5. One word: Monster Trucks
   I’m going to need two parking spaces for this mean machine. Your kid will never have to worry about overtaking that hybrid when he’s behind the wheel of a monster truck with Republican Values™. Screaming down the highway singing “You down with the GOP? Yeah you know me.” Throw the golf clubs in the back and take it out for a spin. See the look of fear in the face of that liberal in the foreign car as he sees you coming up from behind in the rear view. Objects are closer than they seem.

More Gifts to come…get shopping and support our troops.

We have not even gotten our business cards in (I ordered the raised lettering) and we already have our first scoop. These images were sent fresh from the New Hampshire campaign trail by our Editor at Large, Mr. Cool Ice.

On route to a campaign stop, Republican Presidential nominee Mike Huckabee hit a bear with his car in what appears to be a deliberate attempt to simultaneously take out the menacing bear, display Republican Values^TM, and secure dinner. According to witnesses, Huckabee expertly navigated his Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme to clip the bear in the head and kill it without causing a single scratch to the car. “The car swerved real quick and caught that sucker and dropped him like a bad habit,” said New Hampshire resident Jeff Blankenship who witnessed the carnage.

Campaign workers were soon after seen dragging the bear to the car where Huckabee gutted the animal in minutes and tied it to the trunk. Huckabee, a long time proponent of bearicide pledged later in the day to “make animal control a major campaign issue,” continuing “Americans are tired of hearing about trouble in the Iraq, such as, and the South Africa such as, if we get rid of bears people won’t have to worry about one less thing. And I’m all for that.”

Later that evening Huckabee invited his campaign volunteers in Littleton, New Hampshire to a cook out on the village green with Chuck Norris, a major supporter of Huckabee and killing things.