The Republican Fiction Project

Al Gore should return his Ignobel Prize. RFP staff have performed a meta analysis of beloved climatologist Punxsutawney Phil’s annual extended winter/early spring trends and proven that global warming is a total farce. After a couple decades of warming, the Earth’s temperature is clearly returning to normal.

Frequency of early spring data was calculated by dividing the incidence of early spring per decade. Each year on February 2nd, Phil (a groundhog) famously makes his way to the podium in the small town of Punxsutawney, PA (pronounced punk-sit-tonm-E) and whispers whether winter will last an additional 6 weeks.

Thank Bush
While a novice climatologist would have rushed to judgment over a few shorter winters, according to Phil (seen right with bloated man), there has been a clear increase in longer winters over the past seven years. While it is tempting to speculate, it would be imprecise to completely credit President Bush with reversing the trend. It could very well be the decrease in evil in the world as a result of the US war on terrorism combined with the fact that over the past century there have only been 13 years where there was a shortened winter.

Whooo, that was a close one, but we managed to win another victory in the war on Christmas. The godless secularists who are trying so hard to make sure your kids can’t celebrate Christmas are on the ropes. The White House is right on the front lines in the war, but instead of diverting the troops who are fighting in the global war on terror (How they consider the two to be different is beyond me). This year, Republicans are choosing the battleground, the nation’s National Parks. Check out the new Barney cam video where W uses the family dog to point out how we can use the national parks to push Christmas out to the people. At least that is what I think they were doing, I didn’t watch the whole thing.

It’s getting harder and harder to find appropriate gifts for children being raised with Republican Values™. It’s bad enough that our children are being exposed to Touch Me Inappropriately Elmo and the ever-questionable sexuality of the Ken doll, now the Chinese are putting lead in our toys. We need to put the Christ back in X-mas and pump some guts into the holidays. So, with only 6 days left to do your shopping, we will be bringing you gift suggestions for Republican Kids. All of these items are available on Amazon.

1. Stars and Stripes Gear:
   What boy wouldn’t light up like the plastic tree they’re sitting under when they open a box of patriotic gear. Start the boy off with a lapel pin. Sure he has one, but like the real deal lapel pins wear out. They send a strong Republican message; they say “I’m an American and you’re not. (and they don’t burn!) But you don’t want to send the wrong message either. Lapel pins are small and could tell and impressionable child that he should be ashamed of his patriotism. That kind of self-doubt is a one way street to liberalism, so tell him to show his colors with these patriotic pants. You wouldn’t want to take a roundhouse kick to the head while he’s wearing these bad boys. But you wouldn’t want your little angel to go without. Patriotic gift giving can send a strong message that it’s ok to be a happy homemaker. Try finding one of these in one of your liberal mall stores. All they’re trying to do is teach your little girl that she should enter the workforce, live in sin and dress like a whore. Not in my house, and not in yours either.
2. Nothing says Christmas like defending the second amendment.
   What do you want your child to learn, that guns kill people or that liberals kill people? This handsome realistic weapon will tell little Johnny “Get your gun” and defend your right to bear arms. Unfortunately, Michael Moore and his wimpy liberal friends want your kid to learn that killing isn’t fun. “Uhhh, what planet are you living on, fat boy?” Sharps Carbine 1859 Rifle is a history lesson wrapped in a toy, wrapped in a bucket of awesome. It only gets 4 stars since it doesn’t shoot real lead. For that he’ll have to wait until he’s 6.
3. The classic Easy Bake oven.
   Mmmmm MMMM! Something sure smells good. Educational toys, like the Easy Bake Oven have been the backbone of our nation for centuries. Give the little woman direction and encouragement by letting her know that cooking for her family will be one of the most rewarding experiences of her lifetime (next to having kids of her own). Who needs Dora the half-breed explorer sending your little girl a sick message that traipsing off on your own and leaving your responsibilities back home is a positive thing. Why not let her join the Peace Corps and smoke crack too?
4. Insert a little Bill O’Reilly in their lives.
   Don’t be shocked. I never had books either, but Fox News Super Hero, Bill O’Reilly is the kind of roll model we want our kids to grow up to be. My kids couldn’t put this book down. I made them read it and that was all there was to it. Unfortunately, life isn’t all guns and flags. Our kids need to be taught Republican Values™ from the best. Full of great advice, like stay off the drugs and eat your vitamins so you can grow up strong like the Hulkster, this book is second in my house to only one other much gooder book, wink wink.
5. One word: Monster Trucks
   I’m going to need two parking spaces for this mean machine. Your kid will never have to worry about overtaking that hybrid when he’s behind the wheel of a monster truck with Republican Values™. Screaming down the highway singing “You down with the GOP? Yeah you know me.” Throw the golf clubs in the back and take it out for a spin. See the look of fear in the face of that liberal in the foreign car as he sees you coming up from behind in the rear view. Objects are closer than they seem.

More Gifts to come…get shopping and support our troops.

Now that we have settled in a bit, I thought it appropriate to introduce you to the Republican Fiction team, we have posted our bios on our Meet the Editors page.

The first thing you are going to notice is that we don’t use our real names. We are no novice group when it comes to navigating the complex systems of tubes or “web” that is the internet, so we are well aware of the sick predators that are out there waiting to break into our homes and have sex with us. While each of us has an ample supply of ammo, several of us had to leave our guns in storage. Why? you ask.

Well, I am glad you asked. It’s because the hippies running the city of Washington DC have trampled on our rights and banned gun ownership in the city. No, I am not kidding. The citizens of Washington DC have been left to defend themselves against murderers and rapists with rocks and sticks. Earth to hippies, the Constitution lives right in your town at the National Archives. Stop by and give it a read sometime. The Supreme Court is going to hear this nonsense out soon and give us the right to put a bullet in the head of anyone who steps foot in our castles. In the mean time, we will keep our pen names.

Any-who, we have posted our bios on our Meet the Editors page so you can feel more comfortable letting our words into your home on your personal branch of the information super highway. We will be posting our pictures tomorrow.