The Republican Fiction Project

Part II of our series is all action, action figures with Republican Values™ that is.

1. They’ll have hours of fun playing with their Gipper.
   First things first; this is not a Ronald Reagan doll! It’s an action figure and therefore appropriate for both boys and girls. Did someone get your little girl a Ken doll? Not a problem anymore. Ronny can kick Ken’s ass! Not only that, Mr. Reagan says 11 different phrases including: “I will not make age an issue of this campaign…” “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall…” “…tax increasers, go ahead. Make my day…” “Federal grants are like rabbits…” and “Nancy? can I have a drink of water…” I can’t remember a time in this country when we needed him more (except 1992-2000).
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2. Mission Accomplished! George W Bush action figure.
   Your child might be confused when they first set eyes on this specimen of manhood, but when they learn that our President is also an Elite Aviator, everything will make sense. This handsome action figure embodies the rugged heterosexuality of a man out to sea free of self-doubt. At a full 12 inches, it is the kind of manhood replica that you want your kids playing with. And not to worry, W is too busy flying planes to talk, leaving all the lingo work to President Reagan. (plane and aircraft carrier not included)
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3. More than a woman to me! Ann Coulter action figure.
   Roll models are important on both sides of the kitchen table and it’s important to give little girls one to look up to. Ann Coulter is hot, smart, articulate, and is conservative from the top of her blond head to the tips of her black high heal pumps with the strappy thing on the back that we all love. This lean conservative machine does what Ann does best, say things that get liberals upset,. This doll says 14 different priceless Coulter gems, like “Liberals can’t just come out and say that they want to take more of our money, kill babies and discriminate on the basis of race.” Even though this is technically an action figure, not a doll, it would be a little gay for boys to be playing with it (before puberty. After puberty he should technically not be playing with any action figures, but this one could be overlooked, like the missing Victoria’s Secret catalog)
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4. “Drop and give me 20 maggot!” GI Joe Drill Sargent
   Left, right,…a left, right, left. Did you ever notice that they always end that stepping on the left? These are the kinds of discoveries your child will make on their own while he’s learning the fine art of training other people to go off to war. While we don’t want to encourage anyone raised with Republican Values™ to go into the military as anything but an officer–perhaps some weekend guard duty to do their part for the country–we do want them to learn that training grunts to charge ahead is noble work. This guy is 12 inches of Sergent Hulka GI Joe Kung Foo gripping tear your eyes out manhood.
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5. NASCAR’s Big #3 Dale Earnhardt Sr.
   Legend, Icon, republican, Dale Earnhardt Sr. embodied everything that is good in this country. Most of you probably have a wall or room already dedicated to Dale and his glorious career, but your kids need more than a shrine to know what it is to be a NASCAR driver, they need action figures, toy cars, life-sized cardboard cutouts, lunch boxes, hats, t-shirts and eventually a tattoo.