The Republican Fiction Project

New Years represents an opportunity for all Republicans to set strong resolutions that will make them better conservatives and, at the end of the year, better Republicans. It’s also a great day to watch football. We encourage all Republicans and those secular liberals looking for salvation to adopt these New Years resolutions and to share their own resolutions with us. Happy New Year!

1. Find the best tax shelter your income bracket can afford.
2. Buy American or as close as you can get.
3. When discussing evil; be clear that you are referring to liberals or the French.
4. Report all suspicious activity to the FBI.
5. Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive, and Dodge.
6. Make more “me” time.
7. Spread the good word about Republican Values™.
8. Support the Troops.
9. Fight the wars on terror, Christmas, family values, drugs, cancer, prayer in schools, teen pregnancy, etc.
10. Visit republicanfiction.com every day.

Every GOPer should take the time to read this inspiring Christmas story written by our fellow tribesman, Ted Nugent. In it, he describes the truly Republican ritual of waiting in a tree for a majestic white-tail deer to come by and killing it. While it is hardly as manly as Mike Huckabee’s “run-in” with a bear, it comes pretty close. Unlike Ted and my other awesome Michigan friends, I live in the city where the local liberals have made it next to impossible to enjoy the ritual of hunting down a diabolical beast.

As my eyes drew down the page, my breathing became smooth and calm and I felt like I was out there in the Michigan woods huddled up in a tree with Ted, killing stuff and eating it.

From the story:

“He was a great stag and was coming my way. I pushed and pulled on my frozen muscles to draw my bow as does and young deer crunched the icy snow below me, luring the old monarch into range.

“In an instant, the razor-sharp broadhead had sliced clean through the old boy’s vitals and it was all over except for the jubilation.

“We keep Christ in Christmas regardless of trends or the PC denial curse. We celebrate the gift of life. We celebrate American freedom, and we celebrate the birthday of Jesus Christ.”

Ted’s most excellent adventure reminded me of another Christmas Story, the 1983 movie that runs at least once on every television channel during the Christmas season. For years I thought that movie was a liberal assault on gun ownership. But after reading Ted’s story I realized that the entire movie is really a celebration of Republican Values™. I am going to watch and review A Christmas Story in a few days and thanks to Ted Nugent (and Jesus), an awesome killing machine and Republican, I am going to enjoy it.

Part II of our series is all action, action figures with Republican Values™ that is.

1. They’ll have hours of fun playing with their Gipper.
   First things first; this is not a Ronald Reagan doll! It’s an action figure and therefore appropriate for both boys and girls. Did someone get your little girl a Ken doll? Not a problem anymore. Ronny can kick Ken’s ass! Not only that, Mr. Reagan says 11 different phrases including: “I will not make age an issue of this campaign…” “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall…” “…tax increasers, go ahead. Make my day…” “Federal grants are like rabbits…” and “Nancy? can I have a drink of water…” I can’t remember a time in this country when we needed him more (except 1992-2000).
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2. Mission Accomplished! George W Bush action figure.
   Your child might be confused when they first set eyes on this specimen of manhood, but when they learn that our President is also an Elite Aviator, everything will make sense. This handsome action figure embodies the rugged heterosexuality of a man out to sea free of self-doubt. At a full 12 inches, it is the kind of manhood replica that you want your kids playing with. And not to worry, W is too busy flying planes to talk, leaving all the lingo work to President Reagan. (plane and aircraft carrier not included)
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3. More than a woman to me! Ann Coulter action figure.
   Roll models are important on both sides of the kitchen table and it’s important to give little girls one to look up to. Ann Coulter is hot, smart, articulate, and is conservative from the top of her blond head to the tips of her black high heal pumps with the strappy thing on the back that we all love. This lean conservative machine does what Ann does best, say things that get liberals upset,. This doll says 14 different priceless Coulter gems, like “Liberals can’t just come out and say that they want to take more of our money, kill babies and discriminate on the basis of race.” Even though this is technically an action figure, not a doll, it would be a little gay for boys to be playing with it (before puberty. After puberty he should technically not be playing with any action figures, but this one could be overlooked, like the missing Victoria’s Secret catalog)
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4. “Drop and give me 20 maggot!” GI Joe Drill Sargent
   Left, right,…a left, right, left. Did you ever notice that they always end that stepping on the left? These are the kinds of discoveries your child will make on their own while he’s learning the fine art of training other people to go off to war. While we don’t want to encourage anyone raised with Republican Values™ to go into the military as anything but an officer–perhaps some weekend guard duty to do their part for the country–we do want them to learn that training grunts to charge ahead is noble work. This guy is 12 inches of Sergent Hulka GI Joe Kung Foo gripping tear your eyes out manhood.
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5. NASCAR’s Big #3 Dale Earnhardt Sr.
   Legend, Icon, republican, Dale Earnhardt Sr. embodied everything that is good in this country. Most of you probably have a wall or room already dedicated to Dale and his glorious career, but your kids need more than a shrine to know what it is to be a NASCAR driver, they need action figures, toy cars, life-sized cardboard cutouts, lunch boxes, hats, t-shirts and eventually a tattoo.

It’s getting harder and harder to find appropriate gifts for children being raised with Republican Values™. It’s bad enough that our children are being exposed to Touch Me Inappropriately Elmo and the ever-questionable sexuality of the Ken doll, now the Chinese are putting lead in our toys. We need to put the Christ back in X-mas and pump some guts into the holidays. So, with only 6 days left to do your shopping, we will be bringing you gift suggestions for Republican Kids. All of these items are available on Amazon.

1. Stars and Stripes Gear:
   What boy wouldn’t light up like the plastic tree they’re sitting under when they open a box of patriotic gear. Start the boy off with a lapel pin. Sure he has one, but like the real deal lapel pins wear out. They send a strong Republican message; they say “I’m an American and you’re not. (and they don’t burn!) But you don’t want to send the wrong message either. Lapel pins are small and could tell and impressionable child that he should be ashamed of his patriotism. That kind of self-doubt is a one way street to liberalism, so tell him to show his colors with these patriotic pants. You wouldn’t want to take a roundhouse kick to the head while he’s wearing these bad boys. But you wouldn’t want your little angel to go without. Patriotic gift giving can send a strong message that it’s ok to be a happy homemaker. Try finding one of these in one of your liberal mall stores. All they’re trying to do is teach your little girl that she should enter the workforce, live in sin and dress like a whore. Not in my house, and not in yours either.
2. Nothing says Christmas like defending the second amendment.
   What do you want your child to learn, that guns kill people or that liberals kill people? This handsome realistic weapon will tell little Johnny “Get your gun” and defend your right to bear arms. Unfortunately, Michael Moore and his wimpy liberal friends want your kid to learn that killing isn’t fun. “Uhhh, what planet are you living on, fat boy?” Sharps Carbine 1859 Rifle is a history lesson wrapped in a toy, wrapped in a bucket of awesome. It only gets 4 stars since it doesn’t shoot real lead. For that he’ll have to wait until he’s 6.
3. The classic Easy Bake oven.
   Mmmmm MMMM! Something sure smells good. Educational toys, like the Easy Bake Oven have been the backbone of our nation for centuries. Give the little woman direction and encouragement by letting her know that cooking for her family will be one of the most rewarding experiences of her lifetime (next to having kids of her own). Who needs Dora the half-breed explorer sending your little girl a sick message that traipsing off on your own and leaving your responsibilities back home is a positive thing. Why not let her join the Peace Corps and smoke crack too?
4. Insert a little Bill O’Reilly in their lives.
   Don’t be shocked. I never had books either, but Fox News Super Hero, Bill O’Reilly is the kind of roll model we want our kids to grow up to be. My kids couldn’t put this book down. I made them read it and that was all there was to it. Unfortunately, life isn’t all guns and flags. Our kids need to be taught Republican Values™ from the best. Full of great advice, like stay off the drugs and eat your vitamins so you can grow up strong like the Hulkster, this book is second in my house to only one other much gooder book, wink wink.
5. One word: Monster Trucks
   I’m going to need two parking spaces for this mean machine. Your kid will never have to worry about overtaking that hybrid when he’s behind the wheel of a monster truck with Republican Values™. Screaming down the highway singing “You down with the GOP? Yeah you know me.” Throw the golf clubs in the back and take it out for a spin. See the look of fear in the face of that liberal in the foreign car as he sees you coming up from behind in the rear view. Objects are closer than they seem.

More Gifts to come…get shopping and support our troops.