Meet the Editors
Editor-in-Chief: Hook (bio)
Senior Editor: Crunch (bio)
Assistant Editor: Hollywood (bio)
Assistant Editor: Y (bio)
Intern: Tick Tock (bio)
Editor-at-Large: Mr Cool Ice (bio)
Editor-in Chief: Hook
Dr. Hook, as he prefers, is a former abortion doctor whose entrepreneurial spirit drove him to shed his “public practice” in 1992 for the comforts of working at home. “I dramatically lowered my overhead costs by clearing out my garage and slapping on a fresh coat of paint.” As a boy, he always knew that he wanted to study medicine, spending long hours dissecting animals killed on the highway. Dr. Hook is passionate about his work, but reveres the trailblazers that came before him. “I think Jack Kevorkian was a visionary. When everyone else was focusing on health, he took it in a whole new direction.” He feels strongly that there is room for another MD/author who questions the science behind global warming and is determined to be that man.
Senior Editor: Crunch
Growing up on a commune in Oregon, Crunch (Her real name) grew up in a poisonous liberal environment. She describes her childhood as anti-fur, anti-meat industry, anti-gun, anti-religion, anti-slavery, anti-lead paint, anti-poisoning our environment, anti-pornography, anti-objectification of women, anti-carbon based fuel, anti-insecticide, anti-glitter paint. For Crunch, macrobiotic is not just a diet; it is a philosophy similar to “don’t sweat the small stuff.” Starting in her second year at Sarah Lawrence College, Crunch shed all of the pretense and superficial materialism of modern liberalism and embraced conservative lesbianism. Taking advantage of her knowledge of liberals and Republican Values™; she made her fortune marketing antibiotic-free tea, organic parsley and radishes. “There was an enormous need for organic garnishes and we filled that gap.”
Assistant Editor: Hollywood
A method actor by training, Hollywood appeared in a television commercial that appeared three times on the Oxygen network. He lives by a simple mantra; “It’s not who you know or what you do or how you do it, but what you think about when you are doing it and sometimes after that makes all the difference.” His acting and lifestyle have both been described as a cross between the great Edward Asner and Wilford Brimley. While not gay, he admires the courage of conservative-minded actors like Mel Gibson and Chuck Norris. Hollywood’s Republican Values™ were developed while working in the food service industry where he observed the criminal overpricing of veal and fois gras because liberal Democrats would rather people starve than hurt an animal.
Assistant Editor: Y
Adopted as an infant into a white, Jewish family, Y did not get in touch with his African American roots until college when he joined his campus chapter of the Young Republicans. That same year, he legally changed his name to Y with the help of his uncle, an attorney, as a Hanukkah gift. According to Y, “There is a movement in the African American community to get back to our Republican roots. For the first time in my life I felt like I belong.” While still celebrating the high holidays, Y accepted Jesus Christ as his lord and savior when he joined the party. Y is allergic to certain soft cheeses.
Intern: Tick Tock
Tick Tock is a regular on the protest circuit and has avoided being arrested at every protest he has ever attended. (He has come “real close a few times.” Strategically living in the basement of his mother’s house and remaining largely unemployed to avoid detection by authorities, who are “no doubt looking” for him. Tock has honed his skills as a computer hacker and is practicing his ability to run blindfolded at a full sprint through a forest without being detected. He is prone fits of violence towards inanimate objects, usually one of the many stuffed animals that his mother stores in his bedroom despite being warned not to. He points to ratings giant American Idol as a big influence on his writing.
